The StoWicks Conversations
by
Carolyn and Seth Wicks
Today's Key Points:
- Community Is Built
- Convenience Leading To Isolation
- Be The One Who Shows Up
Carolyn: Seth and I have been thinking a lot lately about community. We see so many posts on social media telling people to say “no” to events in order to protect their mental peace. And while there’s some truth to that, it got us thinking about our village. Everyone says they want a village, until it’s time to actually help build one. There’s not a single part of life that works if people don’t show up. Marriages don’t work. Friendships don’t last. Families don’t stay close. Teams don’t succeed.
We all picture having that kind of community, people who are there for us in the big moments. Having a baby, going through a hard season, celebrating milestones. We expect people to show up, to check in, to be there.
But what we don’t always stop to ask is: what does that actually require of me?
A community is something you build and sustain. You're not automatically entitled to one. It seems, no more than ever, expectations are high, but contributions are low. You can’t opt out of showing up for others and still expect them to show up for you. A strong community only exists when the people in it decide, over and over again, that they’re going to be there for each other.
Seth: To be clear, we do believe in setting boundaries, protecting your time, and guarding your energy. It is important to set aside time for yourself - to workout, to meal prep, to spend time with your significant other, etc. You can't devote all of your time to other people.
However, on the flip side, you can't be so self-absorbed or unorganized that you become unavailable to those around you. Something that can bother a lot of people is other's time management. We all have that person in our lives that is always late or simply bails at the last minute. It's always the same excuse and quickly erodes the relationship. Knowing your schedule and letting people know your availability should be commonplace, so let's normalize being more dependable (to be clear, we are sometimes late and are working to improve this).
Then there's the people always saying "no". Carolyn and I have had to say no to some really important events lately because we have a newborn, but overall we try to show up for people. We want to celebrate our friends and family's birthdays, big life events, and schedule simple double/triple dates or big group hangouts. Sure, we don't go out until 2:00 AM every weekend like we used to, but we do have plans most weekends and we absolutely love it. People still know we will prioritize our health and relationship, but I'm confident they know we will show up when needed. Discipline builds your life, and availability builds your relationships.
Carolyn: So for the people who always say "no", what actually happens?
Loneliness.
People feel more alone now than ever before, but humans are social creatures who need a community, we're wired for connection. When you're consistently saying no, it looks like canceling plans, avoiding gatherings, and choosing comfort instead of leaving the house. In the moment, it doesn’t feel like a big deal. It feels easier to stay in, to skip, to tell yourself you’ll go next time. But over time, those small decisions create distance.
In The Comfort Crisis, Michael Easter talks about how modern life has made us so comfortable that we’ve removed many of the natural reasons we used to gather and connect. We don’t need each other in the same way, and because of that, we’re seeing less and less face-to-face interaction. In fact, time spent with friends has dropped significantly, with around a 70% decrease in in-person time among younger adults.
And it’s not just a social issue, it’s a health one. According to the U.S. Surgeon General, loneliness increases the risk of premature death by over 25%, raises the likelihood of heart disease and stroke, and is strongly linked to anxiety, depression, and a lack of purpose.
There is a difference between healthy solitude and slowly disconnecting. Don't get me wrong, there are seasons where pulling back is necessary, like having a baby. But when “protecting your peace” becomes a pattern of opting out more often than showing up, it starts to shrink your life. Then, the same habits that feel good in the moment can quietly be the ones that erode the very community you say you want and frankly need.
Seth: And to be blunt, a lot people say they want support but at the same time don't want to be inconvenienced when people ask for their support. We've talked about how in romantic relationships, you need to have the qualities yourself that you want in a partner. Well, the same holds true for every other relationship.
You want people to show up for you, but do you show up for them? You want people to reach out to make plans, but do you ever initiate the contact? You want people to wish you a happy birthday, but do you remember theirs? Or even do anything for it? Again, we as a people need to stop complaining about others and start setting the example ourselves. Effort should always go both ways, but let's try to be the person giving more effort.
Carolyn: I think part of the problem is we’ve built lives that are incredibly convenient. We don’t need to borrow things anymore, we order them on Amazon. We don’t need to see people, we text them. We don’t even need to leave the house to be entertained, we have Netflix and our phones. And I am not saying it's all bad. When Leto is screaming and I need more diaper rash cream, I am so thankful for Amazon, but it’s quietly removed so many of the natural moments that used to bring us together. So now, community has become something you must choose. It takes effort. It takes planning. It takes going a little out of your way.
And with that comes something most people try to avoid: friction.
Sometimes it’s showing up when you’re tired. Sometimes it’s being around different personalities. Sometimes it’s choosing connection over comfort. It's important to remember that if you only engage when it’s easy, you’ll end up with surface-level relationships, but when you’re willing to choose people even when it’s inconvenient, true depth follows.
In a world that’s made everything easier, meaningful community is one of the few things that still requires effort, which is what makes it so...well...meaningful!
Seth: So take this newsletter as a wake up call to start contributing to your village. I'm sure a ton of you are already doing a fantastic job at this, but ask yourself what you could be doing better. There is always room for improvement, and showing up for others is no exception.
Finally, as I mentioned often, be a positive villager. Yes, the world is crazy. But when hasn't the world been crazy? If you think we live in the most chaotic time period, you should read up on your history. The world and life has always been this way, so it's your duty to be a positive influence in the world and bring a little more light to humanity. Stop complaining and start acting.
Carolyn: This week, do one thing that builds your village. Send the text. Make the plan. Say yes when it would be easier to say no.
Seth: I have a weekly habit list, and one is to call my Mom and Dad. If you're lucky enough to still have yours around, call them this week. On the flip side, if you have kids, call them (I promise you, you're not inconveniencing them by calling first).
Both: Forward this to someone in your village, the kind of person who shows up. Then be that person right back.
See you next week,
Carolyn & Seth
The StoWicks
Quote of the Week:
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
