The StoWicks Conversations
by
Carolyn and Seth Wicks
Today's Key Points:
- Coaching is a Two-Way Street
- You're Already a Coach
- Greatness Requires an Open Mind
Seth: Welcome to anyone new here! This is our 75th newsletter, and want to thank everyone who has been here either from the very beginning or joining us today for the first time.
Part of our identity at The StoWicks is to be coaches. We want to take what we've learned or what works for us and pass it on to other people. We certainly don't have all the answers, but we try to grow and learn each day. So while we try to coach and teach others, we also need the same in our own lives. We want to be elite and help others be the same.
Every single great master has had a coach or mentor. Even if they had all the talent in the world, having someone initially guide and teach them laid the foundation for greatness. So when are you the coach, and when do you need to be coached?
Carolyn: One of the best things about being married to your best friend, is you have a coach for life. It is one of the most important coaching relationships we have. Seth and I made a decision early on that we weren't going to just "support" each other in the passive sense, nod along, say "that's great, babe", and call it a day. We push each other. We ask hard questions. We hold each other accountable to the standards we both agreed we wanted to live by.
That's not always comfortable. There are nights where one of us has to look at the other and say, "Hey, I think you're off track." It takes courage, and it takes trust. But it also takes something a lot of people never take the time to do, discuss a framework. What are we actually trying to build? What does the best version of this marriage and family look like? You can't coach someone toward a goal you've never discussed.
Every week we sit down and talk about our goals for the week, what we need support on, and what we could be doing better for each other. Above all, it ensures we are on the same page, which is crucial. And I will say this, of all the fights we have had, we only seem to argue when we skip our 1v1.
Seth: And now, our most important coaching job is Leto. It is a constant, every day job that runs in parallel with what Carolyn talked about above. Even now, at just shy of 4 months, what we decide to do will shape him.
A good example is him being able to self-soothe. I'm sure everyone and their mom will have an opinion on this, but we have agreed to let Leto self-soothe (to a degree). If it's his bedtime and it's been a normal day, we let him cry for a few minutes before he eventually falls asleep. We let him work through it, because we know he will.
As he grows, so will our coaching style. Our job will not be to make his life easy, it will be to provide him the tools to be adaptable in an ever-changing world so that he can forge his own path. A great coach does not carry a player across the finish line, but rather help them cross it themselves. He will struggle and suffer, but he will learn resiliency and mental fortitude. Our parents taught us the same, and we will pass on their lessons.
Carolyn: Beyond our home, every single one of us is in coaching relationships with friends, family, and coworkers, whether we think of them that way or not. When a friend is venting about their boyfriend for the tenth time, you have a choice. You can keep validating the complaint, or you can love them enough to gently ask: "What are you going to do about it?"
That's coaching! Helping others get from the problem to the solution. I think the best gift you can give someone is helping them realize that they're capable of more. So be that person. Ask better questions. Listen to understand, not just to respond. And when someone trusts you enough to ask for your honest opinion, give it to them. The people who do this for us are the ones we end up appreciating the most.
Seth: On the flip side of coaching others, you must be able to take someone else's honest opinion as well. It's great to help and extend your reasoning to others, but it's a two-way street. I will always listen to parenting advice (that doesn't necessarily mean I take it) because I'm literally a first time parent. My mother, who has raised 4 boys, knows infinity more than I do about this. If she guides me, I will listen and apply her teachings.
The same holds true for any skill or profession, and the source can vary. People are great, but they don't have to be in the same room as you. Podcasts and YouTube are great resources for learning, as well as perhaps the greatest source of all: books.
Reading from those who came before us is the fastest way to excellence. Almost every situation you can think of, someone else has already been in and wrote about it. You can learn from others experiences or experiments and apply their findings immediately. They are coaching you through the book, but you have to be willing to absorb the information and actually adjust your actions and thoughts. Be intentional about your learning from others and be a lifelong student. There is always something more to discover.
Carolyn: Whether you find a work mentor, a spouse, a spiritual mentor, or even a physical trainer, the most important thing is to actually listen. True growth is uncomfortable and requires a lot of self reflection. And don't forget, if you're coaching others, you need your own coach too. You can't pour from an empty cup, and you can't expect someone to be a willing student if you aren't one yourself. The moment you think you know better than everyone else, your message falls flat and the relationship suffers. Be as committed to your own growth as you are to theirs. Stay humble, stay curious, and show up for the people in your life the way you'd want them to show up for you.
Seth: Most people reading this newsletter know someone who could use a mentor right now. Maybe it's an intern, new hire, or friend. Ask them to lunch this week.
Carolyn: Who is someone you could ask to coach you? Reach out to one person this week, a mentor, an author through their work, a friend who has done what you're currently trying to do, and take in their perspective with an open mind.
Both: Everyone in your life is either coaching you or needs you to coach them. Send this accordingly.
See you next week,
Carolyn & Seth
The StoWicks
Quote of the Week:
"A coach is someone who tells you what you don't want to hear, who has you see what you don't want to see, so you can be who you have always known you could be.”
Tom Landry
