The StoWicks Conversations
by
Carolyn and Seth Wicks
Carolyn: I know this will come as a surprise to no one, but Seth and I like working out. We were fairly consistent before we started dating, probably 4 days a week. But when we started dating, something shifted. Our standards for each other rose without either of us saying so.
Now, if you know me, you know despite being somewhat mediocre at most athletic endeavors, I am highly competitive. If you're thinking, "how can you be so competitive about workouts when you lack athleticism?" that is a great question. I don't have an answer. I just hate to lose.
So when Seth said he was going to start making movement a priority, I thought: Bet, when do WE start? Nobody announced anything. He didn't ask me to match him. He just started showing up for his workouts, and I started showing up harder for mine. What was I going to do while he was out on a walk, sit at home?
Standards are kind of funny like that, you don't get a say in whether you're setting one. You're always setting one. The only question is which direction.
Seth: Sports teaches this from the very beginning. It's why Nick Saban's teams at Alabama always kicked everyone else's ass - the standard was excellence at every practice, every scrimmage, every rep. And eventually, Saban didn't need to tell five-star recruits to go harder. By putting them next to each other, they pushed each other to their maximum potentials. The standard was set, and the players followed.
One important detail about standards is that we actually imitate one another reflexively, before conscious evaluation kicks in. Think about a time when your partner was doing chores around the house. Before your mind even said anything, you probably get some gut feeling that you too should be doing something to contribute, so you get up off the couch and act. It's not guilt or peer pressure or willpower, but rather our biological hardwiring that makes us imitate one another. So when Carolyn talks about us working out, it may be on our minds most days, but on others we are simply following the other without thought. One acts, the other follows.
Carolyn: Something I'm sure we all notice is what's tolerated. At work, somewhere there's a mission statement about excellence, integrity, whatever the poster in the break room says. Nobody reads it. What people actually read is: did that guy get away with turning in his status report three days late? Because if he did, that's the real deadline now. Not the one on the calendar, the one that got tolerated.
And it's contagious, say you're at dinner and one friend's phone is out on the table, checking it every few minutes. First dinner, maybe someone notices. Nobody says anything. Second dinner, same thing, and now someone else's phone is out too, "just checking one thing." By the fifth dinner, it's not one person's habit anymore, it's just what the table does. Nobody decided phones were allowed at dinner. One person got away with it long enough that everyone else quietly opted in.
We calibrate to whatever is around us. The standard then, is what's allowed.
Seth: Now take that same idea, but apply it to a child. They don't calibrate what is allowed, they calibrate on what is done. Any parent knows this universal law - children will always follow what you do and NOT what you say. If you tell a kid to not yell while simultaneously yelling at them, odds are they're going to start learning to yell.
Luckily for me, I have a positive example from my childhood. My parents, even with 4 sons, always showed up. Even with hectic schedules and Saturdays with 10+ sporting events (I verified this), they still made it work. Even when I would go practice my field goals and kickoffs, my father would come help me more often than not, and they are some of my most cherished memories. My parents words about showing up were directly backed up by their actions, and that is something I wish to emulate with Leto. He'll learn that in our family, actions and words are supposed to match - because we showed him, not because we told him.
Carolyn: I've seen this play out in a hot yoga class too. There's always one person, not the instructor, just some woman in the back row who holds every pose like she has a personal vendetta against the last thirty seconds. She doesn't say a word to anyone. Doesn't correct your form, doesn't side-eye you for dropping to your knees early. She just breathes through it like she's mad at the pose. And within a few weeks, the whole room has changed. People who used to bail early are suddenly holding it out. You might feel like you're dying, but if Diane in the back can do it, so can I! One woman quietly moved what "showing up" means, and the rest of us adjusted, because dropping out next to her started to feel like cheating.
And that should honestly freak you out a little. One standard-setter can move an entire group's average faster than any rule, any instructor, any "let's all commit to showing up more" pep talk ever could. Standards spread because someone did the thing, and the rest of us, competitive to a fault, apparently, quietly recalibrated to keep up.
Seth: Everyone has heard the "you are who you hangout with" or "you're the average of your 5 closest friends", but I don't think many of us have actually meditated on the words and done a true assessment of which direction we're going.
If you take anything from this piece, remember that you are also setting the example. Yes, you're watching others and sometimes following. But other times, you are the standard-setter. You are the person people are copying and mirroring, which means you have a responsibility to raise the standard. That's how change works - one person at a time, and that person can be you.
Carolyn: Pick one place where you get to be Diane. One small thing you do on purpose and don't announce. You don't need a plan or a New Year's resolution energy about it, you just need to do the thing once, and let it be contagious.
Seth: Then look at who you're following, especially if you're on social media. What are you consuming from outside sources? Is it helping you, or hurting you?
Both: Lead by example this week, not through your words, but through your actions. Raise your bar, and others will follow.
See you next week,
Carolyn & Seth
The StoWicks
Quote of the Week:
“Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.”
Albert Schweitzer
