The StoWicks Conversations
by
Carolyn and Seth Wicks
Seth: Carolyn went out of town this weekend on a bachelorette trip (which is why we are late on today's edition, so sorry!), which meant I needed to watch Leto for a few days. Boys weekend! While she was gone, I definitely could have just relaxed with Leto and chilled. She was going to be floating a river, so why would I need to do anything? Well, that's not how I operate, so I did what any good husband would do: I did every single chore we would normally do on the weekend. It all got done, and I had zero issue picking up the slack so that Carolyn could come home and relax herself. The last thing she needs after a weekend away is to come home to a house in disarray.
The point I'm trying to make is that someone needs to pick up the slack sometimes, and to do it without keeping score. "Fair" is irrelevant when the systems you've built work as intended.
Carolyn: The issue with 50/50 is that it's illogical. It assumes there's constant contribution, and we know contribution is never constant. In any relationship you've ever been in, sometimes you end up giving a little more, sometimes you end up taking a little more. I think the idea that you're both contributing equally is beautiful, but it's not reality. In reality, you might get sick, you might have a brutal work week, or yeah, you might be gone for a weekend. When that happens, the person who is doing their fair share (50%) doesn't get to say, "well, I did my part, why aren't they doing theirs?" That's not how you treat those you love.
My biggest problem with 50/50 is that it makes you a scorekeeper. When you're actively trying to do only half, you end up tracking everything. You start to notice who did the laundry last, who's "ahead," who's "behind." That tally then ruminates in your head and eventually grows into resentment. That will not lead to happiness and that's frankly not what love is. If you truly care about someone, you do whatever you can to make their life easier, even on days it costs you more, because when you need it most, they will do the same for you.
Seth: So if 50/50 isn't the solution, what is? For us, it's 60/60. Before I hear this objection, let me just address it now: this is not an excuse for one person to give more and the other to coast. That's more 60/40 and will lead to resentment. True 60/60 is a mutual standard, or the margin of safety. This structure is meant to absorb unexpected circumstances and times of stress.
If I've been traveling for work and get home after a long travel day, I might just want to get Chipotle and play Skyrim for an hour. And guess what? Carolyn fully supports that, because every person requires resets. She'll help with everything else while I get to recharge and get ready for the next day.
I'm confident that most all of our readers know we aren't total slackers, but this idea isn't about just trying harder 24/7. It's more a design or system that lets the relationship survive in hard times, especially when one person needs the help.
Carolyn: That margin Seth mentions only works if both people are actually drawing from it. When only one person is stocking the reserve, you don't get 60/60, you get something disguised as generous. Giving 100% while your partner gives nothing isn't heroic, it's a single point of failure. A lot of the time, the person carrying everything is just avoiding something harder. It's easier to do it yourself than to ask your partner to step up and risk them saying no, or doing it wrong, or not doing it at all, but the problem then becomes you've stopped giving them the chance to show up. Then the week comes when you actually need help, and there's nothing left for you to give, because you already gave everything covering for someone who was never asked to carry their share. Which makes you wonder, when you can't just silently absorb everything, how do you actually let your partner know when you need them to step up?
Seth: Circling back to this weekend, Carolyn and I both know that the standard isn't me doing all the chores every single weekend. It wasn't easier if I just handled it, because it's not easy running errands and doing chores with a 6-month-old. However, I had the 60% in me, so I took advantage of the energy and time. And if the roles were reversed? Carolyn would do the same for me.
In regards to communicating with your partner, I'm going to say something super controversial: You just...talk to your partner. Yes, that might sound like cliche advice or just downright obvious, but here me out. Sometimes, I think everyone expects their partner to read their mood or pick up on signals, instead of just communicating what is needed. It takes putting your ego aside to admit you need help or are running low on energy, but that's exactly what's required.
So the solution is two-fold: First, start doing weekly 1v1's if you aren't already. If you need help on how to start this, here is our routine. Second, communicate in real-time if you're below the 60%. It's okay to admit you need your partner, and to step up when it's your turn.
Carolyn: When we talk about 60/60, it's so much more than just chores around the house. It's insurance you pay into on the easy weeks so it's there on the hard ones and it works because you're both paying in.
It's the actual labor hours you put in after your job is done, when you're tired and would rather sit on the couch and scroll. Showing up anyway, for someone you love, is one of the most honest acts of service there is. You'd move mountains for your partner, so prove it in the mounds of laundry and the dishes in the sink. Be your best for them, because they deserve it and they'll do the same for you. Before you know it, you're building each other up, so you both get to be the best version of yourselves, which is the whole point.
Seth: When you do something for your partner this week, stack it up and do something else. Action builds momentum, so start building in a way that will level up your relationship.
Carolyn: Notice one moment this week when your partner has covered for you without being asked. Go out of your way to thank them, make sure you specifically name what they did and how it helped you. Gratitude goes a long way.
Both: For our competitors out there, we love 60/60 because it's healthy competition. We're both trying to do more than the other, and that's where we think the magic happens. If you do keep score, make it about who can do more, not less.
See you next week,
Carolyn & Seth
The StoWicks
Quote of the Week:
"Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side."
Zig Ziglar
