The StoWicks Conversations
by
Carolyn and Seth Wicks
Carolyn: We saw this quote from Matty Fusaro and immediately dove into a good conversation:
"The world is not designed to give you a good life. It's designed to distract you from building one."
At first, that lands exactly where you'd expect. Phone. TV. Maybe you go to the bar too much. The usual suspects, easy to name, easy to point out where you could improve. But as we were talking the conversation got so much deeper.
What about the distractions you'd never call a distraction? What if it's the version of you who decided to become a martyr for something, when nobody asked you to? The late nights at work "for the family." The all-in parenting that leaves nothing for the marriage. That's still distraction. It just doesn't feel like one, because it looks like devotion. So that's what we're talking about today: there are two ways to lose a good life to distraction, and only one of them looks like a vice.
Seth: Most of us carry a quiet distrust of institutions and corporations these days. There's a shared understanding that they exist to profit - regardless of what's good for humanity, or quite frankly, what's right. It's why we keep seeing company after company settle lawsuits for the direct harm they've caused our youth, harm their own researchers flagged internally before the public ever found out. What they all have in common is this: they're vying for your attention, and they know exactly what they're doing to get it.
To be clear, these are not neutral actions. Doomscrolling, hour after hour of video games, endless YouTube - almost none of it is beneficial. And it costs you something real in return: your marriage, your kids, your social life, your career, your peace.
I'm not writing this from the outside looking in. I'm working on my own screen time on Instagram right now. I've admitted to myself that I spend too much time on that app, time I'll never see the cost of until my Carolyn or Leto feel it first. So I downloaded an app called Opal to help me get some of that time back, and so far, it's working.
Carolyn: Okay, so say you don't have a screen time problem. You don't go out too much, you don't drink too much, nothing obviously pulling your time, money, and attention away from what matters. But look a little deeper. Are you sure?
Staying late at the office, night after night, missing the milestones for the kids you say matter more than anything, that erodes the family too. And pouring everything into your kids so there's nothing left for your marriage, or for yourself, that's just as bad. No matter how you justify it, your family is not better off. It's often easier to be excellent at one thing than balanced at several. Over-focus can be a hiding place from something deeper going on...conflict, intimacy, uncertainty, you name it. This isn't a character flaw, like doomscrolling or endless YouTube - this looks like pure and honest love and care. Which is exactly why it's so disorienting.
Seth: So we have two things working here: seduction (to things that grab and hold your attention) and displacement (good things that are being used to avoid something hard in your life). Both are related to the Stoic virtue of Temperance.
You see, a lot of people confuse temperance with "small doses of a vice are fine" or think "I've dedicated my whole life to my kids, so how could that be a problem?". Again, we would argue against this. Moderation is essential in all aspects of life, because you occupy more than one role. You're probably a few of the following:
- Husband/wife
- Son/daughter
- Father/mother
- Brother/sister
- Employee
- Citizen of not only a nation, but potentially a state, city, and community.
- Friend
- Neighbor
And let's not forget about your relationship with yourself - that absolutely counts, and is kind of the whole point of our newsletter (all 88 editions are meant to help YOU). Temperance isn't about restricting your life, it's about refusing to let some of these roles collapse while you focus solely on one.
Carolyn: Both failure modes have the same root issue: an unexamined allocation of attention. One form is being taken from you (think screen time) and the other you're giving away and calling it virtue (think prioritizing your kids above everything, including yourself). Either way, a good life is a balanced one.
The Japanese have a word for this: Wa (和) — harmony. It's such a foundational idea that in 604 AD, Prince Shōtoku opened Japan's first constitution with the line "Harmony is to be valued." It is viewed as the operating principle for life. Wa is about creating space where all are heard and valued, which isn't to say you must treat every part of your life the same, but that you make sure one single role in your life doesn't drown out the rest. So what does a good life require? Having self awareness to look at your life and tell yourself, accurately, where your attention is going.
Seth: Here is the part where a few people are probably thinking, "Other people may have these issues or be unaware, but not me". Heck, those people probably stopped reading 3 sections ago. But for the people still here, something about this topic has piqued your interest. You've either thought of something that could be improved, or you feel like something is unbalanced in your life but you just can't quite name it.
Either way, you're on the right path. You're starting to really look inward and evaluate your different buckets in life. Again, my screen time is garbage and needs to be fixed. For another, maybe you think you've earned TV time after a long, tiring day, but that's just messing up your sleep and therefore causing the long and tired days. No matter what it is, only the Avatar has the power to bring balance to the world. Wait, that's not right. Only YOU have the power to bring balance to your world. Yeah, that's better.
Carolyn: Each week might be different, and that's okay, but take a look at your life and see if you can rank where your attention is going. You might be surprised!
Seth: You'll find all the answers in our $999 online course! Just kidding, we aren't insane. However, you will find the answers if you start tracking your time and reviewing everything at the end of the week. You'll be surprised by some of the buckets, maybe even horrified, but that's the point.
Both: Knowing your attention is important, thank you for giving us a few minutes of yours this morning. We appreciate your support and hope you find value in our newsletters.
See you next week,
Carolyn & Seth
The StoWicks
Quote of the Week:
“The world is not designed to give you a good life. It's designed to distract you from building one.”
Matty Fusaro
