The StoWicks Conversations
by
Seth and Carolyn Wicks
Today's Key Points:
- Mirror and Label
- Be Curious
- The No-Fix Rule
Carolyn: Have you ever talked to your husband while he’s focused on something else and he literally does not hear a single word you said? Not because he’s ignoring you…but because his brain has officially entered single-task mode. Yeah, same.
I’m not saying we all need to be great multitaskers, but it does make you realize something: listening is not as automatic as we think it is.
Think about the last conversation you had. Have you ever walked away and thought, “Wait… what did they even say?” I’ve been there too. Most of us are guilty of prepping our response in our own heads, getting defensive before the other person even finishes their sentence (our faces always give us away), or checking out because we assume we already know where the conversation is going.
That’s not real listening. Real listening is active. It’s choosing to be present. It’s putting your ego on mute, resisting the urge to fix everything, and getting curious instead of getting “right.” And when you do it well? You stand out.
Today’s newsletter is all about those tools, things you can use immediately, literally in your next conversation. By the end, you’ll have techniques that make every relationship: your marriage, friendships, even coworkers feel easier, calmer, and more connected.
Let’s be real, most of us hear. Very few of us truly listen. But the people who learn how? They build relationships that last.
Seth: Something I learned from Chris Voss in Never Split the Difference is how to mirror. The first thing I'll say is that mirroring is not manipulation, but rather a way to dive further into a conversation. You do it by repeating 1-3 important words from the counterpart's last sentence. Here's an example:
- Counterpart: "I just don't know how to get started. I want to make changes, but I already feel so behind."
- You: "Behind?"
- Counterpart: "Yes, everyone else on social media is getting promotions, losing weight, making progress. I don't know what to do."
Now you can really dive in. You can direct the conversation to work and their potential lack of promotions, or to their weight loss journey and what's going on there. Voss primarily teaches this in negotiation, but the overarching goal is to connect with the other person on a deeper level. When you start talking the same language, our primal instincts kick in and make both parties feel safe. We are attracted to what is similar and known, and fear what is different.
If you ever want to dive further into a specific topic or empathize with someone deeper, try mirroring a few times and let the conversation unfold from there.
Carolyn: Another tool we often use is "Labeling". It is one of those tools that sounds almost too simple until you use it and realize how powerful it is. It’s basically naming the emotion you think the other person might be feeling:
“It seems like that really frustrated you.”
“It sounds like you felt overlooked.”
“It looks like this hit a nerve.”
You’re not diagnosing them or telling them how they feel, you’re just acknowledging what their energy is already saying. You never use the word "I", instead say "It". When people are telling you how they feel, they are usually not using the direct language or using rational words. Labeling applies those rational words to the feeling, therefore disrupting the raw emotion and moving the conversation to one of higher thinking.
People instantly soften when they feel understood. Their shoulders drop. Their tone shifts. They start opening up instead of gearing up for a fight.
And you don’t have to get it perfect. Half the time I’ll say, “It seems like you’re annoyed,” and Seth will go, “No, I’m just a little overwhelmed.” Great. Now we’re actually talking about the real thing.
Try it once today and watch how quickly someone leans in instead of pulling away.
Seth: Another thing we've talked about in past newsletters is curiosity. This word, like so many others, gets tossed around lazily. People will tell you to "be curious" without any other explanation or reason. Just do it! But why you ask?
Well, every single person, including me, judges too quickly. It's honestly what's most wrong with the world right now. Everyone is so quick to judge everyone else without even beginning to understand their perspective, their reality, their life. Different political views? Must be an idiot or bigot! Different view on parenting? How dare you! You eat meat? You must want to destroy the planet!
I could keep going, but you get the point. You could be talking to a parent, child, coworker, friend, but at some point someone is going to say something you disagree with. Instead of immediately judging them, how about you seek to understand their viewpoint? Why do they think this way? What in their life has helped shape this idea or belief? The goal should not be to change their mind. It should be to understand someone's differing view and maybe gain some more perspective yourself. Here are a few questions to get you started:
- Can you tell me more about that?
- What led you to that perspective?
- How did you come to believe that?
If you need more information on this, watch Ted Lasso.
Carolyn: The last tool that Seth and I swear by (and it has helped us grow closer year after year) is: the No-Fix Rule.
When one of us comes home after a long day and starts venting about that one coworker, is frustrated about work, annoyed about something that happened, or just overwhelmed (Me this whole pregnancy!) the No-Fix Rule says you always ask the same question:
“Do you want me to help you fix this, or do you want me to just listen?”
It sounds almost too simple, but it protects you from one of the biggest relationship traps: one person needing to vent, while the other jumps straight into fixing mode. And suddenly you’re in an argument that neither of you meant to start.
Everyone wants to be heard. It's human nature! When your partner has had a stressful day away from you, the last thing they want is a critique of what they should have done differently. Something that I think we should all remember is: You didn’t have the day they had. You don’t know every detail. And honestly…when emotions are high, most people aren’t ready for “solutions” anyway. They’re trying to come down from the day before they can learn anything from it.
So slow down. Ask the question. Try it the next time you feel out of sync with your partner. You’ll be surprised at how much calmer (and how much shorter!) the conversation becomes when both people know the role they’re supposed to play and you choose empathy over efficiency.
Seth: A lot of guys need to read that last paragraph because we are wired to problem solve and fix things. It's hard to simply sit and listen, but I've slowly gotten better about it, and Carolyn appreciates the growth!
The last thing I'll mention is that silence is sometimes okay. Not every second has to be filled with someone's voice. Sure, things don't need to get awkward, but don't fill the void just to fill it. More times than not, the other person will actually elaborate on what they were saying and keep going since you let them. Think of someone talking about a recent vacation. The last thing you need to do is talk about your last vacation. Just let them tell you everything about it and listen. My parents are coming back from Australia and New Zealand later this week, and I can't wait to hear all about it!
When in doubt, remember Stephen Covey's 5th habit: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood.
Carolyn: Choose one conversation this week to show up differently.
Put your phone down, pause your ego, and practice listening like it’s a skill you’re proud of.
Seth: This week, journal your results from using the techniques above. Did any of them work or standout? Reflection will help you continue to refine your listening skills.
Both: If you enjoyed this newsletter, forward it to a friend. We would appreciate the support!
See you next week,
Carolyn & Seth
The StoWicks
Quote of the Week:
"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable."
David Augsburger
