The StoWicks Conversations
by
Carolyn and Seth Wicks
Today's Key Points:
- Most Things Aren’t Personal
- How to Separate Facts from Stories
- Tools to Stop Carrying Emotional Weight
Seth: By now, I think we all know that my worst trait is my road rage. People cutting me off, people not using their turn signals, people driving 10 below in the left lane. You name it, and it probably pisses me off. I'm a big "Strict with myself, Tolerant of others" kind of guy, but not here.
The good news is I married Carolyn, and she is helping me overcome this mental weakness. The thing she's been saying lately is, "Do you think they did it on purpose, specifically to you, in order to ruin your day?". That usually makes me stop in my tracks as I fly off the rails. "Well, no, but they're still an idiot" is usually the reply.
The point is, taking anything personally is an absolute waste of time and energy. Most people don't realize how often they do it, but if you spend the rest of the day counting the times your brain is convinced someone is out to get you, it will probably be higher than you think.
So what if the fastest way to lighten your mental load is realizing that most things simply aren't about you?
Carolyn: I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Seth and I came across a fascinating article in Nautilus summarizing a new paper in Clinical Psychology Review, where researchers at the University of Sheffield looked at themes of delusion around the world. The most common by far were persecutory delusions, which are beliefs that other individuals or groups are out to get you. In clinical groups, these accounted for about 65 percent of reported delusions. That blew my mind!
When I read that, I had to reread it. Then I told Seth because I almost couldn’t believe it. You mean people really walk around assuming others are out to get them? That neutral moments are secretly loaded with hidden meaning? That if someone pauses, doesn’t text back, or gives feedback we weren’t expecting, it must be personal? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized...I’ve done this too.
An awkward pause in a meeting, a text that doesn’t get answered, or feedback you weren’t expecting: for many people, these are triggers. Instead of pausing, we personalize and assume intent where there may be none. This matters because we massively overestimate how much attention other people are paying to us. And when something feels uncomfortable or awkward, we often interpret it as malicious, even when it’s not.
I caught myself doing this recently when someone made a comment about how Seth and I want to parent. My immediate reaction to Seth was, “Is she saying I’m going to be a bad mom?” She wasn’t. And if I’m honest, she probably didn’t think about what she said long enough to even consider that interpretation. But that didn’t stop my brain from racing there. And this is the part that’s dangerous. Taking things personally steals energy. It creates resentment. And it keeps us mentally busy with things we can’t control. (Not very Stoic of me.)
So before you jump to conclusions, before you get heated or hurt, I’ve been trying to pause and ask myself one simple question, similar to what I asked Seth:
- What else could be true?
- Is this a fact, or is this a story?
- Or my favorite: Is this actually about me?
That last one is usually the most illuminating. More often than not, it helps me see the other person more clearly, their tendencies, their context, their blind spots, without turning myself into the center of the narrative. Because the truth is, you’re not the center of every story. And not everything deserves your emotional involvement.
Seth: To Carolyn's point, we've talked before about how you're only the main character in your story. To everyone else, you're a side character. Sure, you might play a vital role in a few people's lives, but they still think of themselves more than everyone else combined. It's just human nature.
A great way to distance yourself from false narratives is to separate fact from fiction, and that takes time. The first, and potentially best, way to overcome taking things personally is simply to pause. Taking 10 seconds to calm your mind, breath deeply, and refocus your mind and thoughts will allow you to see things rationally.
Our minds are designed to think everything is about us, so we react that way. If someone doesn't text us back in 5 seconds, they must hate us! If they disagree with our viewpoint, they must think we're an idiot! In reality, people are just living their lives. You must center your thoughts on the facts and try to see things from their perspective. 9 times out of 10, you'll see that it was never about you.
Carolyn: I love how Seth mentioned pausing to calm the mind. It’s one of many tools you can use when you feel yourself taking something personally. Here are a few other simple rules I try to follow:
- The 24-Hour Rule
I don’t emotionally respond to perceived slights right away, because most assumptions don’t survive a little time.
- Replace the Question
Instead of asking, “Why did they do this to me?” I ask, “What else could be true?” and force myself to come up with at least three neutral explanations.
- The Zoom-Out Test
I ask, “Will this matter in six months?” If it won’t, it probably doesn’t deserve six minutes of my time.
- The Language Audit
Words like always, never, or they usually mean I’m building a story, not dealing in facts.
And when all else fails, I come back to what I actually control: my actions, my effort, my character. Everything else is just background noise.
Seth: In closing, recalibrating your mind to not take things personally is hard, but liberating. You stop carrying around this constant dead weight and start focusing on the truth. Not only will you gain a more optimistic outlook, you will also think with more logic. No more wild assumptions or outlandish stories. Just peace.
So remember, most of life isn't happening to you, it's just happening around you. Emotional maturity isn’t never being triggered, it’s choosing not to stay there.
Carolyn: Pick one rule from above and practice it this week. One pause. One reframe. One less story.
Seth: This week, I just want you to find a calmer mind. When you feel anger rise this week, pause and reflect. Seek the truth, as objectively as possible. See what changes.
Both: If this resonated, hit reply and tell us which rule you’re trying first. We read every response.
See you next week,
Carolyn & Seth
The StoWicks
Quote of the Week:
"Nothing other people do is because of you. It is a projection of their own reality."
Don Miguel Ruiz
